Over-Apologizing: Ways to Stop the Cycle
For me as a woman in my late thirties, I’ve long felt that politeness is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a happy life, I’ve struggled with very poor self-esteem. This mix of aiming to be considerate and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Many times, it happens so quickly that I’m unconscious of it. It comes from anxiety and has influenced both my personal and work life. It frustrates my close ones and co-workers, and then I get upset when they bring it up—which only worsens my anxiety.
Public Speaking and Questioning
This excessive apologizing is especially concerning when it comes to addressing a group or posing queries in front of people. I try to have a script to stay focused and avoid nervous rambling, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an starting scholar in political science, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through facing fears, such as teaching classes and pushing myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing humiliations from senior male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I fall back to old habits.
Accepting Myself
I don’t think I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still enjoy life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to stop the frequent sorrys. I’ve read that professional help might support me, but I ask how it can help in practice.
Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used correctly. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a load on others.
Finding the Source
A therapist might explore where this urge comes from. Questions like, “How young were you when this began?” or “Was it self-inspired or adopted from someone important to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once benefited us become harmful in grown-up life.
In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as self-sabotage. You are aware it annoys those around you, yet you keep doing it.
The Role of Therapy
When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than doing. Much of effective counseling is about understanding yourself, not just fixing issues. A skilled therapist will kindly probe you, offering a safe space to explore and embrace who you are.
Instead of exposure therapy, a connection-based method with a person-centered counselor might be more effective. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you view, dismiss, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your confidence can improve from there.
Practical Steps
Changing ingrained patterns is challenging, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by reflecting on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an try to avoid shame or being seen, by recognizing perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a vicious circle of irritation and nervousness.
Even thinking things through can be beneficial. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel listened to without you taking responsibility.
This process will take persistence, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward change.
